I'm tired.

Memoirs of a tired masterpiece

(This blog post wasn't supposed to be but here we are. If it's all over the place, forgive me. I'm writing this because someone needs this.)

For the messy days...

I cried my eyes out today.

I had a very intense conversation with someone that led me to having another intense conversation with another person. I didn't feel like eating afterward and that's a bad sign because I always eat. I had to hop off calls to join many others. I'm so tired, but I'm happy because I'm slowly rising above this tiredness in my mind that I have been feeling for weeks. Messages unattended to. Too many open tabs in my head. My abdomen and my back cramping badly because what of it is to be a woman.

When I got into the bathroom, I cried some more while talking to God.

Recently, I realized that I tend to complain a lot. Not nagging, but grumbling and murmuring when things don't go my way and if your world is as imperfect as mine, you know that most days don't go the way you want them to at alllll. God has been dealing with me about it.

So, when I'm tempted to complain, I try to remember that God upholds, sustains and steadies my mind because God is actually in control regardless of how out of control my life feels.

I was supposed to have a test today. I think this applies to everybody but it's magnified in med school: “You can never finish reading.”

There is always something to read and it gets agitating sometimes.

This morning, I closed my book. I had already read a lot and the extra reading was going to come from a place of anxiety. I was so stunned by how peaceful my mind was. I wasn't bothered.

God is always dealing with me in a number of ways.

“Let's cross over to the other side,” Jesus said.

I mean, Jesus said it so it means it was going to happen. They were going to get to the other side.

Then they got into the boat.

And before they knew it, a storm started. A furious one. Waves crashed violently against the boat. Water started entering the boat and before they knew it, the boat was sinking.

Jesus was sleeping. Sleeping?!

Chillest guy for real.

His disciples must have been so shocked because why are you sleeping?

So they went to wake Him up. “Don't you care that we perish?”

In our world today, this would sound like: “Do you even care about me at all? Are you even here? Are you true? Are you real?” Like some of us ask God every three market days.

Jesus rebuked the storm first and then rebuked them for their faithlessness and fear.

This means that there is an attitude God expects us to have during storms and challenges: Peace. Calmness. Trust.

The presence of storms is not the absence of Jesus.

And as I bawled my eyes out this evening in the middle of mental exhaustion and the storms presenting themselves in my life, it comforted me to remember the lessons God has taught me in Bible study that I still haven't been able to move past.

I'm reminded of the presence of God. Of the goodness of God. Of the spotlight of heaven on my life. Of the attention God gives to me. Of the fullness of my life. And of the answered prayers I am currently living in.

When my steps are lost in darkness, I don't walk alone. I have never walked alone.

My thoughts have been heavy but more than ever before, I'm learning to be still and God's voice is louder. Louder than my mind. Louder than the lies that tried to plague me all through my teen years.

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ALONE. YOU WILL NEVER BE.

God is so good.

And the kindness of God to me is already evident in the fact that the life I have now was bought by the blood of Jesus.

I'm trying to relearn rest and what that actually looks like in this season. Learning to rest in the totality of God's character. His power. His wisdom. His goodness. And what it means to lean on Him with the confidence that I can never fall.

Starting from my bedtime…😂

Today, I'm just thankful for the gift of the Word. Such a love letter. Such a gift.

Tiredness will never be my life.

It's okay to be tired. It is a pointer. An indicator. But I'm tired of being tired.

Devotion in this season looks like abandoning my journal during Bible study because I'm too exhausted to writeeeee😭. It looks like trying to be still by playing Endless Alleluia by Depths of Worship but sleeping instead and then, waking up to stare at one Bible verse for hours, trying to ruminate on it. I'm not even joking, but God is such a present Father. It's okay for devotion not to be glamorous. Breatheee. Let's breathe together.

Right now, I'm beautifully in over my head and in the next few weeks, I'm taking you along the journey of a girl just trying to live a full, free and colourful life but who is tired. Mind and emotions. Soul deep tired. I'm trying to allow the Holy Spirit to meet me in the middle of the humanity of my emotions.

God made you to thrive, and thrive? You will.

If you are tired, know that it is okay.

My name is Amiolaoluwa and these are the memoirs of a tired masterpiece.

(Stick with me, there is more.)